jshartley.com
BLOG
29 May
Well my blogs have been rather significantly absent for almost two months. I did consider posting an amalgamation of ones started and never completed from these weeks but it seemed somewhat pointless. The last 8 weeks or so have been strange, busy, yet not busy, full of activity and yet immobile, and full of thoughts, plans and schemes. Where does that leave me? Truthfully I have no idea.
I have been freelance for 6 months and in that time I have written two plays, directed three, written an academic book due to be published in October this year and run a lot of workshops. I have twice travelled to both America and Canada. This is quite significant in terms of achievement if you think about it and yet I feel a little disappointed, dissatisfied with myself. I will come back to this later.
I was cut off from swimming for some time due to my location but have started back and with a new focus that I am also going to start to run. Of course I know how to run but I simply cant. I run for about a minute and sound and look like I need to be hooked up to an oxygen tank. Anyway I figured if I managed to get my swimming to the level I have then if I put my mind to it I can do the same for the running. That’s the idea – the reality may be significantly different. However so far there has been some slow improvement. After three weeks I can run 3km – I’m not saying I’m fast but 3k is impressive for someone who could barely run 3 steps. I’m working on interval training and being supported well by a great trainer so that helps. Who knows….maybe it’s just a fad though I know how determined I can get.
Plans for the rest of the year are mixed. A few more trips – Africa and Asia, more workshops, another academic book, that ever elusive novel, run a 5km race ha ha. Well I have 7 months left in the year so it should be manageable. This brings me back to my former point. Things is no matter what I do it never feels enough, or good enough. I was thinking about this the other day – party because it came up with a friend who said some things that have been going round and round in my head ever since. I realised that since I was a child I have never felt that what I do is good enough. It’s not anyone else’s fault – just the way I am and how hard I am on myself. Ok well other people haven’t always helped. I mean you can achieve so much yet if people are expecting certain things from you then they will only see you in light of that and often be blind to the other things you have done, or temper it with the ‘but’ of what you didn’t do. However those other things are usually about their agenda, their expectations or their beliefs. But living our lives is not about living to please another’s view of what our life should be; it is about living the life we were meant to live and it is about accepting what that life is even when it does not sit well with us at times.
I guess part of being freelance and finally having some time on my hands is that I have done a lot of thinking. More time to reflect on myself and the things I have done in my life, or failed to do. Perhaps that is a good thing and perhaps not.
Anyway as we move into June I do promise to be more regular with the blogs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
30 March
Three months into the year, a year that started with
so many changes in job and life and I still feel like I am in a state of
limbo. And I am not sure why. Recently I have been thinking a lot about
choices, the choices we make in what we do and career paths we follow;
choices that affect so many things and so many other people.
I guess it always comes back to the writing and that being where my true focus lies. That is not to say that I want to stop the theatre or the charity work, rather that they are a compliment to my main focus which is writing. Every major decision I made in the last year was about enabling writing to be my focus and so I think right now I simply need to get that focus back. Focus hmmm – seems to be a word I have thrown around a lot recently, mainly at other people ironically!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
26 March
Flowers for Algernon opened and has gone so well.
They are all doing an amazing job. I was talking to a friend about the
process, about how when you direct a production in so many ways you
become superfluous the moment it opens. Once it begins its run, you step
back and the actors have their time, they are the face of the show while
we, the directors, are never meant to be seen. It’s a strange time to
work so hard on something and then disappear into the background while
it takes on its life. Unless of course it’s a bad production in which
case it is also the director’s role to stand up and take responsibility
for that I believe. The thing is I would have it no other way. I hate
being on stage, not for giving talks or presentations, but when it comes
to theatre productions I do not believe the director should be seen.
Anyway I am moving into my closing weeks here in Atlanta and have a showcase just written that needs to be rehearsed and set up so it’s going to be a busy time.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
20 March
I miss swimming. I miss it more than I can express in
words. It was my thinking time, my relaxation, my tranquillity, my
motivation in many ways. Soon I will be back in the UK and back to the
swimming. It’s not that I can’t swim elsewhere, rather that where I have
been the last 2-3 months there has been nowhere nearby and convenient.
It also makes me feel unfit and unhealthy not to have the swimming as an
option.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
18 March
Well I finally got the performance idea on paper,
script written up and out. Now it’s a battle against time to get it
ready with such a short deadline in place and Flowers for Algernon
opening in exactly a week. I am tired, not from the work but more from
the pressure of other things needing done. I am so far behind with
emails and contact in general and many people are getting upset with me
because they feel I am never free. I kind of feel that way myself right
now. I just need to finish the book, no actually I need to finish all
three books. Therein lies the problem!
Anyway on to brighter and better things or rather feelings. The cast for Flowers for Algernon continue to be a source of pleasure to work with, they make me laugh and watching them grow on this journey, grow more than they even realise, has been amazing. In many ways it was a cast of misfits. I know some people questioned my judgement when I cast this group from the auditions but they have shown everyone never to underestimate them and never to make superficial judgements about them.
After so many projects, so many theatre ventures and play directing you rarely get so attached to a group but then sometimes it’s just special. I guess because it is a mixture of things coming together at the right time. They helped me as much as I helped them. And they reminded me to trust my instincts when working with people, trusting that the right people are in the right roles and can rise to the challenge that brings and surpass all expectations.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13 March
Super
- dinner with the cast of Flowers for Algernon
in character
- being found by friends I had no idea i missed so much until I realised
how much I love them being in my life
- friendships in general. I am very lucky to have the friends I do.
- seeing the film crew in Vancouver
- a great flight to Vancouver with cabin crew who actually loved their
job
- some realisations about my writing and how this will affect the future
- important amends to the novel but (see crap list)
- talent: other people's not mine. It can be an amazing thing to see,
and a beautiful thing to appreciate.
Crap
- missing certain people
- the horrific events in Japan and remembering my year there and the
people I care about
- the madness of Gaddafi increasing with the world's attention turned
towards Japan
- not coming up with a good enough idea (my standards) for a performance
piece
- not getting enough writing done
- thinking about the novel when I'm supposed to be thinking about the
academic book
- being told I am high maintenance - bloody cheek! Perfectionist NOT
high maintenance.
- missing swimming so so much
- i need to sleep less and work more but my body disagrees and insists I
need 7-8 hours of sleep every night.
- feeling fat
- dairy intolerance - you have no idea how much food dairy pops into
where you would never believe it could be
- raising money for Theatre versus Oppression - been a struggle this
year and we have to get on top of it in time for getting out there in
July or, well simply we won't be able to go!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12 March
My mind seems more focused on a super crap list at
the moment (perhaps more so on the crap side to be precise) than on
writing blogs. I'm feeling almost (emphasis on the word 'almost)
overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to get through in the next
few weeks. If there was a way to cut down my sleeping time to
approximately one hour a day it would be perfect...but I doubt that is
going to happen. How did I ever hold down my 'sensible' job on top of
all this? Honestly I am bemused at myself and what I was ever thinking
in that process.
I usually always make list of things I need to do but that isn't working any more because...I never have time to look at the lists. Plus there are such major things I need to do in these weeks that everything else will have to take a back seat to it.
I also feel annoyed and frustrated at myself for losing time, well wasting it may be more precise. I am one of the most disciplined people I know yet in so many areas of my life that discipline has slipped and I think that upsets me more than anything. So instead of moaning about it, it's time I acted and sorted myself and other things out.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11 March
I need an idea for a performance piece and i have
come up with so many, great ideas that would work...in a different
situation, with a different group. I keep hitting a brick wall, I
envisage the performance and then it just dies in my head and I feel so
frustrated about this. Is it me? Is it this group? This doesn't happen
to me so why is it happening this time? That's what I need to work out,
not what the performance should be.
Anyway dinner with the cast of Flowers for Algernon in character was a
lot of fun. I was a little fearful we might be thrown out of the
restaurant and 'Charlie' opting for his preoperative state of mental
incapacity was a little worrying on occasion but they were great and, as
they have throughout, generally surpassed my expectations. I like this
group, they are interesting individuals all with their own quirks and
issues who together have an amazing energy. They are all also so
talented in their own individual ways. One guy just composed this piece
of music - well worth listening to
www.youtube.com/watch?v=hV29vuQomHQ Reminds me of some of Ludovico
Einaudi's work and he is one of my favourites.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
22 February
My super/crap list:
Super
- Laughing with the Flowers for Algernon cast
- Eating the best cheesecake ever (but… see crap list)
- My new laptop
- Seeing friends and laughing a lot
- Back at the gym
- Catching up with friends I had lost contact with (and being secretly
thrilled that they look so much older than me oops!)
- Starting to be understood in a country that so far has had little or
no idea what I am talking about e.g. trying t order soup where the
waitress looks at my friend and asks him ‘she wants soap?’ and he
responds equally confused ‘no, she wants syrup’.
Crap
- The fat maccydee criminal who tried to eat his way through my
credit card account (and if the police really cant find him they should
talk to NASA who should have a satellite who can spot the fat *******
from space.)
- Remembering after eating the great cheesecake that I have a dairy
intolerance and rushing to the nearest pharmacy.
- Trying to write this damn book and having the concentration span of a
flea - a dead one at that.
- Giving a talk I hadn’t prepared for and realising I really can talk
crap for any given length of time.
- Almost killing myself by jumping into a pool that was freezing.
- Spending too much money – why do people in the States eat out so much.
- Realising that just because people here are starting to understand my
accent doesn’t mean I can understand theirs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
20 February
I am wondering if I am having a crisis of confidence
with writing the book. I am having a crisis just not sure of what. I sit
down to write and then find a million other things to do instead, my
concentration wanders off at the first opportunity, and meanwhile
deadlines are looming. Should I be panicking? Probably yes, yet
strangely I am not. I have even considered getting out of the contract
and then just when it all seems hopeless I sit down focus and write. It
makes me question myself, my choices and the paths my life has taken.
Actually that is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. I
look at how my life is perceived by those around me, the judgements
others make on what my life must be like. And then I think to the
reality of how it is, the problem is I am not sure what that reality is
anymore. If our lives have a purpose what is mine? Two people told me
this week that I had changed their lives, not in a cheesy corny way of
stating that, but in reference to the work I do and had done with them.
I thought bout how many people have said this to me over the years and
the simultaneous feeling that I must be doing something right and what a
responsibility that brings. I don’t set out to change people’s lives. I
set out to change my own and that seems to be the only one I am having
no effect on whatsoever!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
18 February
I cant believe this some ******* copied my credit
card details somehow somewhere AGAIN! I went online to check my account
only to discover that some asshole went on a shopping spree in Orlando
(mainly in the Apple store). Of course I immediately called my bank,
well I freaked out first then called the bank, only to find they had
already cancelled the card because said asshole was still trying to use
it with a few thousand dollars worth of more computer goods and had
tried to use it in MacDonald’s on a bill of just over $200 (apparently
THAT was what made the bank suspicious). Who the hell spend $200 in
MacDonald’s? Is it even possible? And why cant the police catch the fat
******* who stole my card details cos if he eats $200 worth of
MacDonald’s he cant be that hard to spot and let’s face it he isn’t
exactly going to run away from them, he might go on his side and roll
but that’s about it. So I know this is not even slightly politically
correct and that I am jumping to conclusions that someone who would
spend $200 in MacDonald’s is fat (though I think the evidence may be on
my side if you think about it), but the ******* stole my credit card
information so fat or not I am not too happy with him, her, it…
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
15 February
So I have moved from where I was originally staying –
long story – though am now in a great apartment block 5 minutes from
where I need to work and there is a gym and a pool here. Bliss you must
be thinking – okay probably not but who cares. Bliss for me because I
get to swim again, it has been so long and I am having serious
withdrawal symptoms. Well it didn’t all go to plan…. The pool is an
outside one on the 10th floor of a cement building i.e. its foundations
are cement which in wintertime is freezing. It stated though that pool
was a heated one and last week when I checked this out the pool was
lovely and warm to the touch despite the cold weather. However it turns
out they only heat the pool now and again in winter to make sure the
pipes don’t freeze but that except for that it is not a heated pool. How
did I find that out? Let’s just say after almost having a coronary I
have learned that one should always recheck that a pool is heated before
jumping in. I did of course, on a pride level, contemplate acting really
cool like I knew what I was doing and meant to jump in the ice-cold
water defying humanity. However, after a couple of strokes I was looking
decidedly smurf like and I think my heart may have stopped temporarily
as well so I crawled back out while the water dripping off of me turned
to icicles.
You know a shaman once told me that you should always shower with cold water to get rid of the spirits that hang on to you as it shakes them off, well after jumping in that pool I should be spiritless for a very long time. And yes I do realise that normal people don’t just comment on the fact that 1. They know shamans 2. They have spirits hanging on to them and 3. Let’s just stop right there.
And as if that wasn’t enough (and it was) I then hit the gym only to get one of the worst chat up lines ever twice from two different guys on two different occasions. The conversation both times beginning with ‘You have a great rack…’ REALLY! Does any guy think I will go out with him after that opening line? Needless to say the conversation did not go much further than my response to this statement (use your imagination) except that the second guy, obviously emboldened by the fact that he was rather good looking and the lack of brain matter between his ears hopefully added on ‘you have a great ass too’. REALLY! So it raises the question – am I actually supposed to be flattered by this? Considering the majority of my friend circle is male I asked this question and was told yes! Oh seriously, I should feel flattered that some lobotomised bodybuilder wants to chat me up?
Well I’m not.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6 February
Haven’t done a super/crap list for a while so here
goes:
Super
- great advances in rehearsal of Flowers for Algernon, good ensemble
- the red handkerchief
- seeing friends I hadn’t seen for a while
- good feedback from workshop
- the fact that my backstage manager bought a mouse to train it to run a
maze for Flowers for Algernon
- stage set concept
- another ‘what happened next?’ project getting underway
- character development exercises – what they achieved with the
‘alternative’ plan
- moving to an apartment with a gym and a swimming pool and Starbucks
round the corner
Crap
- too many long haul flights
- sitting through one act of Peter Pan, I lost one hour of my life that
I can never get back
- feeling fat (how girlie of me)
- nobody ever knowing what I am saying in America
- Americans thinking I am Irish
- Americans telling me my accent is ‘quaint’
- Thinking too much
- My laptop dying slowly and painfully
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3 February
Talking of bad theatre – yes I was – I was taken to
see the touring production of Peter Pan (apparently brought over after a
successful season in the UK). You cannot imagine how bad it was – words
cannot describe the experience which has made me wonder if my friends
hate me or just bring me to see such crap because they are so
entertained by my reaction. I swear I almost got up on stage and dragged
Peter Pan off myself. What was so bad? Where do I begin?
- the acting was atrocious
- Peter Pan and the lost boys were behaving like they were getting ready
for Gay Pride. Yes I know JM Barrie woite the story with the whole
deliberate homosexual undertone but that’s the point. UNDERTONE.
- Wendy looked older than her parents
- I cannot abide adult actors dressed as children doing stupid
children’s voices
- The set
- The changes of set
- Every actor in the cast
- The fake English accents
- The bad singing
- The mermaids who walked around!
BUT
What was the most
unacceptable unforgivable atrocious part of it all which no professional
production can ever excuse….
…..Captain Hook comes out and the arm with the hook was so long it
reached his knee. You cannot be serious! It was so obvious he was
holding a hook – one arm normal length and the other he could have
touched his toes without bending down.
That was too much, I had to leave at the end of the first act and leave
we did. Actually I really had to leave before the end of the first act
but they wouldn’t let me – aaaggghhhhhhhhh……….
Blogs from November 2010 - January 2011
Blogs from October/November 2010
Unless otherwise
specified, all work, words, images and items on this site are Copyright
Jennifer S Hartley 2008
As such, none of the contents of this site may be re-produced
without the express permission of Jennifer S Hartley